- “My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!”
- ―Hans Moleman[src]
Hans Moleman (also known as Ralph Melish) (born August 2, 1959) is a 4ft 4 in (132cm), 140lb (64kg) mole-like man with extremely bad luck. He is mostly popular for his 10 second short film "Man Getting Hit By Football" in "A Star Is Burns". There is a running gag in the series of him getting killed by various accidents, yet returning unharmed later on.
Although seemingly elderly, Hans Moleman once claimed that he was only 31 years old, implying in the process that his appearance is due to heavy drinking and not a result of old age. However, this may have been an alcohol-induced untruth. In at least one other episode it is revealed that he is over 70 so his actual age is uncertain (although these kinds of discrepancies are relatively common given the floating timeline employed by the show). He served at least 4 terms as Mayor of Springfield, during which he balanced the town's budget eight times and claimed to have written the town anthem (although he actually bought the song). He was in his 4th term in office 30 years ago, which contradicts his claim of being only 31 years old in the present day (although the mayor in question could have been his father). He has cataracts and is almost entirely blind (which has severely impaired his reading ability) and has used medical marijuana. He carries a brown cane with him everywhere, which was once shown to contain a hidden sword. He is also known to be a war veteran.
Hans was once mistaken for Bart and accidentally "de-programmed" (Homer and Marge had hired a cult de-programmer, hoping to convince Bart to move out of Mr. Burns' mansion and back in with them), apparently leading him to believe he is the son of Homer and Marge. At one time, it was revealed that Hans Moleman slept with Lars Ulrich's grandmother, and is considered by Metallica to be a "real fan".
Homer once stumbled across Hans Moleman as the leader of a race of Mole People in an underground fortress complete with earthquake machines. In the opening credits for The Simpsons, Marge strikes Moleman with her car. He has some jobs such as a mail man and a janitor (in the episode where Homer gets good luck).
His home address was 920 Oak Grove, Springfield.
Apparently, he had a father who lived at Springfield Retirement Castle.
Hans Moleman once attended Springfield University for a short time, only so that he could have somewhere to sit. One of the college girls refers to him as an "80 year old man" only referring to his old appearance. It is unknown how long he attended the school and whether he gained any credits.
- Terror at 5½ Feet: Killed in a car explosion.
- The Springfield Connection: Gets put to the electric chair.
- Mother Simpson: Buried alive in the Springfield Cemetary.
- The Joy of Sect: Suffocated by a giant bubble.
- Team Homer: Gets drilled in the brain.
- The Debarted: Suffocated by an airbag.
- C.E. D'oh: Falls to his death after getting thrown out of a window.
- Children of a Lesser Clod: Gets trapped inside of a morgue while still alive.
- Connie Appleseed: Gets sucked into quicksand.
- Reaper Madness: Gets killed by Homer's touch of death.
- 'Tis the Fifteenth Season: Gets eaten alive by wolves.
- The Ned Zone: Gets eaten alive by alligators.
- The Simpsons Movie: Gets run over by Homer's car.
- E. Pluribus Wiggum: Gets crushed by a large piece of concrete.
- Mypods and Boomsticks: Drowns to death after driving his truck into the ocean.
- Don't Have a Cow, Mankind: Gets run over by a car.
- The Squirt and the Whale: Gets crushed by a piece of a blown up whale.
- The D'oh-cial Network: Gets struck by Homer's car.
- A Test Before Trying: Dies when his life support gets unplugged.
- In the episode "Duffless", he says that "drinking has ruined my life, I'm 31 years old!", despite him appearing to be around the same age as Grampa. This is the disputed age of Hans, but is not verified.
- He seems to be confused about his age, saying he is both 26 and 31. However, this is non-canon, too. His license shows his birthday as either August 2 or February 8, 1961. The only exception is if those episodes took place when he was those ages.
- His driver's license says that his name is "Ralph Melish".
- In early episodes, his skin color was inconsistent and would range from yellow to brownish-yellow.
- He had an affair with Lars Ulrich's grandmother.
- He has a knife in his cane.
- According to Homer, kissing him on the forehead is similar to kissing a peanut.
- He is one of the Springfield residents to appear in a Tracey Ullman short, the others are Krusty and Abe.
- Hans Moleman is the unknown thief who stole the Griffins' car.
- He was apparently the mayor of Springfield 30 years ago, which casts his statement about being 31 years old into doubt.
- However, it is possible that the mayor in question could have been his father, asuming that the two share a forename.
- He is one of the Seniors who appears in the song Adults/Kids.
- According to his license, he is 4'4" (132cm) and weighs 140lbs (64kg, 10st). Such a weight at 4'4" (132cm) would make Hans extremely overweight. However, he only appears slightly chubby.
Behind the Laughter
Moleman first appeared in the short, Scary Movie without glasses sleeping in the cinema, but wakes up when Bart screams. He was silent then. He looked different in that short, showing a prototype version of him. He was officially introduced as a speaking, unlucky character in the episode Principal Charming.
In 2015, nerdcore rapper MC Lars created a song and music video as a tribute to Hans Moleman titled "The Ballad of Hans Moleman".